Address: 1917 Goldman Street

Proprietors: Messrs. Saccho & Vanzetti

Website: PJ Sketchingtons

PJ Sketchington’s is arguably one the less unsavoury of the city’s unsavoury drinking establishments. It does not primarily cater to the criminal element as such; rather, it could be regarded as a solid workingmen’s pub, which seems to hold a particular attraction to the sort of working men (and women) who are inclined to discourse at length on The Plight Of The Workers (particularly after a few pints), and employ terms like “bourgeoisie”, “proletariat” and “means of production” in casual conversation. It is a particularly popular destination for Canadian tourists visiting our fair city.

For those who do not consume alcohol, it is possible to order a cup of tea at PJ Sketchington’s, but please be advised that the only teas available are herbal, as most of the regulars hold the belief that proper tea is theft.

Proletarian.

Although you may hear regulars discussing the virtues of Molotov cocktails, do not attempt to order one at the bar.

Address: 417 1/2 a Tenebrous Terrace (down the alley, around the back, under the fence and down the stairs)

Proprietor: no one seems to be entirely sure

The Shady Arms is named, no doubt, for its unique ambiance, in that it is a bar composed entirely of dark corners. Catering to those who prefer to enjoy a refreshing beverage and discreet business conversation in privacy, all tables — except one, on which more shortly — are located in secluded nooks and corners. Rumours that its design involves non-Euclidean geometry are unconfirmed, but it is perhaps worth noting that prior to its conversion to a public house, it was the private dwelling of a Mr. Randolph Carter, and was purchased by its present owners after Mr. Carter retired to a sanatorium in the picturesque town of Arkham.

The one central and well-lit table in the Shady Arms is generally avoided by the regulars, though many have a curious tendency to pass closely by it when it is occupied by unsuspecting tourists, who are often later seen checking their pockets with a look of concern, no doubt having accidentally forgotten their wallets back at the hotel in their rush to explore the city.

The Shady Arms does not tend to offer the sort of lager-fuelled political discussions that PJ Sketchington’s does, but for those in the know, it is said to be an excellent place to procure a variety of consumer goods at quite remarkable prices, as well as to divest oneself of surplus goods one has somehow acquired but has no immediate need for. For those not in the know, it can also be a place to divest oneself of goods that one does in fact have a need for, particularly if one makes the mistake of sitting at the brightly lit table.

Black, dark grey, or other colours that blend discretely into the shadows.

If you come in with any valuables visibly displayed on your person, expect them to be discretely concealed on someone else’s person by the time you leave.

Address: 69 Avenue Amoureuse

Proprietress: Mme. Lucie Beaucoup-Decolletage

The Slap & Tickle is unique among the unsavoury bars of Boston in that it appears to prominently cater to ladies — or at least, there always seem to be a wide variety of them in attendance. Gentlemen seeking to make the acquaintance of the female clientele are of course, always welcome, particularly as many of the ladies frequenting the salon appear to be unescorted, and the chivalrous and public-spirited nature of Boston’s male populace can be seen in the fact that rarely is a lady seen leaving the establishment without some kind gentleman escorting her to ensure her safety.

In consideration of the delicate nature of its distaff clientele, The Slap & Tickle also offers a variety of private suites upstairs, all of which may be rented by the hour in case a lady is merely having a fainting spell and not yet ready to retire for the evening. Again, the thoughtful and courteous gentlemen patrons can often be seen accompanying ladies upstairs, no doubt to ensure that they are properly attended to in the event of a sudden attack of the vapours.

Since The Slap & Tickle provides such a comfortable and amenable environment for ladies, they can often be seen dressed in a considerably more relaxed manner than in other establishments. The fact the bar is kept rather warm is no doubt responsible for the relative scantiness of the ladies’ attire, and the glow of perspiration attending many patrons when they return from the upstairs suites. Gentlemen may dress in any manner they wish, though Mme. Beaucoup-Decolletage does insist they wear a particular accessory imported from New France, which is available quite inexpensively at the bar.

As The Slap & Tickle is a luxurious establishment, gentlemen are encouraged to bring adequate spending money, to ensure their ability to properly entertain any ladies whose acquaintance they might make. Ladies, of course, need not bring any money nor expect to have to purchase their own refreshments, but are required to pay the bar a negotiable percentage of any funds they should somehow acquire over the course of the evening.

Address: If you have to ask, you’re not welcome there

Proprietor: Who wants to know?

While one might expect that The Shady Arms would adequately suit the needs of anyone seeking a discrete location to do business best left unobserved by the public, there are in fact various different classes of independent professionals with such requirements, not all of whom prefer to frequent the same establishments. Those whose profession draws them to The Cloak & Dagger tend to look down on The Shady Arms as a mere “thief bar”, and consider patronizing it to be slumming.

While similarly dark in ambiance, The Cloak & Dagger caters less to those whose profession involves the strategic redistribution of wealth, and more to those who could be said to deal in the redistribution of health. Or to put it another way, while those who hire them may at times become repeat customers, those with whom they deal most directly in the course of their work rarely do, unless the initial transaction was unsuccessful, and are generally not available to offer testimonials except via necromancy.

The manner of clothing is less important at this establishment than the presence of a large variety of concealed weapons.

The Cloak & Dagger is best avoided by newcomers, unless they are intending to purchase services of a very specific sort. And even then, if they are unused to hiring for such services, going through a middleman who is more familiar with the business is highly recommended.